You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting

Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own life? I feel like sometimes I do and say things that I just dont recognize myself doing. I feel like a different person and I dont know this person. Then there are times that I just dont feel like I fit in a certain place. Its like I can be so confident and so sure of myself but my location, my surroundings dont fit that. Sometimes I feel like my life is like a movie and this morning I had one of those moments that you see in films where the person is just standing still and everything is zooming by. I sat in my chair at work and almost had a complete break down. I am not perfect. I accept that. Why cant other people? I realized something else today; no matter how down I feel there is always someone that comes through and surprises me and actually gives me hope that the future will be better because these great people actually do exist in this world. Someone I have never met before went out of their way this morning to see if I was ok. Another girl today that I dont really know confided in me and we actually had a good talk. Its like why cant more people just relax and open their eyes to the world. These two people really had a huge impact on my day.

One thing that I would like to talk about, which I actually talked to this girl about today, is GIRLS. Girls why are we so mean. Why cant we just accept that not everyone wants to be our friends and if someone doesnt want to hang out with you, that doesnt give us the right to talk trash behind their backs. Most people that read this blog probably didnt know me back in elementary and middle school. Back in those days, I got picked on, A LOT. It never really bothered me because I have always been sort of an independent soul but getting picked on (esp in k-2nd grade) i grew a pretty thick skin and I started to not really have much sympathy for others. I changed schools going into 3rd grade and i vowed that things would be different. I became that girl that made other girls and boys lives just miserable. I was mean and at the time I thought I was happy. But I really didnt have friends. I had people that hung out with me because they feared me. Once I went to marist in 7th grade, I had that same attitude up until about 9th grade and thats finally when I woke up. I went to a friends house one night and a boy from my 6th grade class cornered me and told me that I made his life hell in 6th grade. I was at a loss for words. I kept apologized and assuring him that I was different. and while at the time I was still slowly learning to be nicer, I look back now and I dont even know that girl. I believe that everyone has potential to be good and do good. We are in charge of our happiness and our lives. You have the choice to be mean or to be nice. So i dont get it now. We are all mature young adults, you have the choice to do right and still, people are mean and ugly towards others. WHY? is it worth it. Is the little bit of pride that you gain from being mean to someone worth the years of guilt youll feel later? No. Its not worth it.

I am happy. After my break down this morning I started to piece things back together and I realized that everything happens for a reason and everytime you fall you always have the opportunity to get back up and try again. Life is too short not to take every advantage given to you. I leave you with this: I challenge each and everyone of you to do something that makes you nervous or scared. I promise you, after you do this, you will feel more alive than ever. Take risks be free. I would love to hear what you all do! Ill share my adventures with you if you share yours with me!!! Just message me on facebook!! Ill try to post some of the best ones I read!!

-Kim

**Dont ever be afraid to be yourself**
If your being judged your not with the right people

I gotta be where my heart says I oughta be, It often makes no sense, in fact I never understand these things. I feel I love you. Good bye.

I did it. I wrote the one letter you never want to write but at least every girl will write on once in her life. I wrote that letter saying everything. Getting everything out. Not leaving one thought behind. I summed you us up into a couple of pages and i said goodbye. I wrote the letter that I will never send.

Its weird. Almost nerve racking to write a letter like so. Its like you have so much to say and so many feelings youve never expressed. You worry what if you accidentally lose it or someone else reads it. But once your done with this letter, its like your free. Youve finally said it all. There is nothing youve hid, nothing youve held back from saying, nothing youve twisted to sound nicer or happier. You were finally you for once. You were finally able to speak what your heads been feeling but your hearts been hiding. It took me around three days to write. Its like the more I wrote about the more inspired I got. I wasnt scared of hurting his feelings or losing him for good. I just wrote the truth, as I saw it, and I have never felt better.

My mom a couple of days ago gave me this article entitled "31 Things I WIsh I'd Known about Dating When I was 21" now obviously I am not 21 but the things that this girl wrote were so true and so stinging. It was like she was writing a letter like mine but she wasn't trying to hurt any one guys feelings she was trying to warn all the other girls out there from making the same mistakes shes made or worse us making the same mistakes over and over again. I came across one quote that really stuck out to me "It's okay to say no. Its more than okay. It's always okay. If he stops calling (and many many many will) your only weeding out the guys who aren't truly interested in you as a person. Time saved!". This quote popped off the pages when I saw it. If only I had been able to say no every now and then, maybe I wouldnt feel the way I do now. I guess, and im sure many girls feel like this, when I say no to someone I feel like I am stubborn or demanding or mean. And while I am stubborn, I would not consider myself demanding or mean. I def had my mean moments in life but get to know me, youll be surprised.

Im seeing him soon. Its gonna be weird. Hes different. He seems different at least. Maybe thats a good thing though. Maybe I needed him to change so that I could feel the same about him that he does about me. From the months of Jan-May, I was not myself, so I guess I have changed recently too. Ive changed back to my normal self. Fun loving kim. I live for adventure and excitement and nights that my friends and I can talk about forever. The other night we went to a good friend of mines house and chilled for a while then went on a pretty extreme mission :^) to be on the safe side I wont mention what that mission was but I will say, it definately went down in the books as a great night that wont be forgotten.

There have been a lot of people that I have gotten rid of in my life lately. I dont feel as confused or upset all the time now. The one thing that does upset me is the change that has occured in someone. This certain someone has just become mean. like plain mean. Do not tell me you want one thing then two days later get mad at me for doing exactly what you said you wanted. WHAT DO YOU WANT!? Ive tried to figure it out for months now. But honestly now, I dont think even you know what you want. Figure yourself out. You know im always here for you but you reject my friendship you reject my support and mostly you reject me. I would like to say I wont be here for you forever but the truth is youve had a big impact on me and you were an important part of my life. While its obvious you can do so, I cant just discard you and treat you the way youve been treating me. Its just not nice.

I would send the letter, I honestly would. I am not afraid anymore. But the thing is, why? There have been so many times that I try to get my feelings out and I have been hurt. Why should I feel upset or bad after finally being able to say everything I wanted to say. So I think Ill just tuck it away, in a safe spot and hope to never have to write another one of those dang letters again!

-Kim


I wanna be in Nicaragua again.
Life was simple.
All you had to do was give a child a little love and you would have no idea the amount of love they would give back.
I wanna go back.

Celebrate we will. Because life is short but sweet for certain

Friends are truly a blessing. It is amazing how you can feel like you are in the biggest slump of your life and nothing will get you out of it then a good friend comes along and changes your whole perspective. It is also amazing to see how quickly someone is willing to ditch friends when one little thing changes. A best friend will be there for you no matter what through thick and thin laughing and crying with you. But that friend seems so easily disposable when a boy or girl comes along and steals your attention. Is it worth it to lose someone that could potentially be there for your entire life to be with someone that may not be with you for your entire life. Girls, myself included, are terrible with this. And a very wise person (my momma ha) once told that boys never compromise their lives (men may but boys wont) to fit a girl in. If a girl fits then good. If she doesnt he isnt going to drop his friends or forget about his life just to be with the girl. Us girls make the one mistake that is making boys our life. The whole point of dating is to share your life with someone else not make someone else your life. Cause lord knows a boy is not gonna make you his life.

I guess I might as well get this over with. Yes, I am fine after my recent break up. It was hard but to be honest its for the best. I am not going to talk bad about him beca

use he was a great boyfriend he really was but its for the best. I tried so hard throughout the relationship to make him happy that I didnt ever really think about myself. I changed myself to fit what I thought wouldnt upset him. This were just not good because he was the type and still is, that will never confront you about anything (and most people that know me would understand my concern with that seeing as how I am VERY confrontational) I never knew if what I was saying or doing was making him happy or upsetting him. I started to over think certain situations and neither one of us handled it well. Yes the way he broke up with me, over a text, was not classy and extremely hurtful, our break up was the best. I was in no state of mind for a relationship and without getting to far into it right now, i was somewhat pushed into something I was uncomfortable with. I was in no way emotionally ready for the commitment we had to each other and for the seriousness of our relationship. Once we broke up, i was finally able to be the person that I know I am. It sucks because if only he would have communicated with me I feel that he wouldnt have lost his feelings for me. No one told me how i was acting and I was so blind to it that I could have never known to change. While i do wish second chances were available for this certain situation, there are just certain stubborn qualities that make people unable to bend at all and consider someone elses feelings for once. Stubbornness is a quality we all possess and I know for a fact im stubborn as hell but at least i give people chances to change and I am open to differences and opinions. I am not trying to sound bitter or the least bit angry and I know a lot of the above may sound like im trying to guilt or pressure someone into something but thats not it at all. I feel like I just need to explain my side. People saw how I reacted to our break up and to our overall relationship. I looked like the bad guy in the relationship I looked like the bitchy girlfriend that was demanding and overbearing. But there are two sides to every story and there is always a reason for peoples actions. Just because he never showed emotion or anger or jealousy or meanness doesnt mean it wasnt there.

I am ok. I swear. And like i said I have no hard feelings. I have dealt with my demons and I am a very happy person. I am finally myself and I am looking forward to someone allowing me to share my true self with them. If that is someone from my past and they are willing to accept the fact that who they dated was not my true self and now i am devoted to being myself for now on, then great thats great. But narrow minded people are happy with their narrow minded world and one day they will learn that what they say doesnt always go and someday they will understand what true h

urt really feels like.

I have no qualms with anyone. I dont hate anyone. And anyone I was talking about in this, if i were to see them today or tomorrow or anytime in the future, I would be fine with them. I am myself now and I couldnt be happier. I guess I just had to once and for all get everything out. Get everything out and be done with it. There is no use in dwelling on the past because for every second we dwell and live in the past, we are wasting precious time that we will never get back. Go out and live. Go out and be free. Go run, jump, smile, laugh, hang out with people that make you happy. Live your life. Dont ever live for someone else. Live for yourself. Be yourself.

-Kim

You have your happiness in the palm of your hand. Whatcha gonna do with it?

Second Go...on dating, on life, on EVERYTHING

How many times will the clock go around
How many times can my hands hit the ground
How many coffins before there's a crown
How far will I fall til the alarm sounds

How can you love me when I am ugly
Guess I can only hope

Give me a second go,
Don't let me go alone
You saw me at the worst,
You caught me falling first
All I wanted to know,
Give me a second go

No matter the weather there's never a break
Conquer a ladder then slip on a snake
Cried til my river turned into a lake
And I'm wondering now before it's too late

How can you save me when I am angry
Reasons I'll never know

Give me a second go,
Don't let me go alone
You saw me at the worst,
You caught me falling first
All I wanted to know,
Give me a second go

One to five I'm half alive, six to nine I'm out of line
Ten to twelve I'm not myself, by the millionth time
I try.

Give me a second go,
Don't let me go alone
You saw me at the worst,
You caught me falling first
All I wanted to know,

Give me a second go,
Don't let me go alone
You saw me at the worst,
You caught me falling first
All I wanted to know,
Give me a second go, give me a second go,
Give me a second go again

Give me a second go,
Don't let me go alone.

-Lights "Second Go"

Is it ok to be sad sometimes? I am usually a happy person, actually more so now than ever. Relationships have always been a struggle for me. I am a passionate person but with my passion comes jealousy. I dont mean to be jealous but its easy when you feel so much for someone and break down so many walls to let that person in and then you start feeling they are not doing the same to let you into their lives. Its like you give and give so much and get nothing in return and it makes you start to think that the reason why they arent letting you into their lives is cause they really dont want you there for too much longer and you start worrying and wondering when is the time going to come when yet another love is a love lost. Why do I feel like some of my past relationships I was more in love with the idea rather than the person. I used to feel that there is only ONE person out there in the world for everyone and slowly but surely I am falling back into that mindset. And its scary. How will I know when its the right one.. I really wish I had done things differently. I wish I could have had the power to slow things down and enjoy the little things. I wish that second chances were available esp. in times like this when you know you can do better and you know you can work it out. How do people go from being so head over heals to one person slowly drawing back while the other is trying to give everything they have. what makes one heart willing to break another heart. how can you go so fast from being crazy in love (waddup beyonce) to being unhappy with your partner. its so confusing to me. and im not singling out anyone or any relationship in particular im talking about just love and break ups in general.

I have really been struggling lately to find balance in my life but it is really hard sometimes. I want to be able to spend time with my parents and talk to them but i am just not good at expressing myself to them so when i find myself in times like this current time where i just constantly have a lot on my mind, its easier for me to just go out with a few people and forget about my problems or even just talk them out with people that I feel like understand what i am saying. I am not running from my problems at all its just easier for me to deal with them by not letting them affect my happiness.

I wish life was full of second chances though for real. If you were given a second chance, just one, what would you do?

-Kim

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” -Dr. Seuss

This is my first blog ever and its kinda weird. I feel like I am writing an email to someone. I mostly created this to channel all my thoughts and frustrations from facebook to this. I have a huge love hate relationship with Facebook. Why are so many people, myself including, addicted to facebook? I have repeatedly gotten hurt by something posted on it within the past week, and to be honest some of the stuff wasn't even about me. Someone would post something similar to what I posted and but theirs would be more negative and I would automatically freak out like they were talking about me....why should it even worry me?! ITS FACEBOOK! I decided facebook and texting and other technology is only useful for one thing and that is allowing people who are to scared of confrontation to cowardly confront you. If you can not say something to someone's face what is the point of saying it at all? Confrontations over those means of communication just seem cowardly and stupid. Grow up and use your voice because at the end of the day when every other source of technology has failed, you still have your voice and that is the most powerful thing you can posses.

As most people know by now, I have decided to take an alternate direction in my education. I am not dropping out of college because I am lazy or unmotivated, I am dropping out because traditional education is not for everyone. I struggle with academics and I know that college just does not suit me. Cosmetology school has been my dream for the longest time. However after going to a private college prep school, the idea of pursuing this dream was lost and college was more pushed upon me. My parents support me 100%. They know I am a hard worker and it does kill me to work so hard in school and not ever do well but they and I both know that through Cosmetology school, I will succeed and my hard work will finally pay off.

I titled this blog with that quote because I feel like I am at a point where I feel I am fully in control of my life. Most people know that I am very independent and with the exception of medical needs, insurance, etc, I do and pay for everything. For my entire life I have gone to small schools. There has always been a small number of kids in my class and so the variety of people was not to large. Now that I am out of high school I have the option of picking and choosing who I am friends with. I was never really happy growing up because I was always changing myself to fit my group of friends. Looking back at some of my greatest high school memories, I see people that are not kind to me, that I don't really like, and people that straight up just piss me off. There are few people in those memories that I actually like. And up until about a week ago I was still letting those same people affect my life negatively. But to be honest now that I have figured out my life and my key to happiness, I decided to rid myself of these people. I am not going to be mean about it but I am not obligated to be friends with someone that I do not like. I contribute a lot to friendships because they mean so much to me and I constantly get let down. The small number of friends that I have are people that care about me the way I care about them. I am sick of being let down and I am putting an end to it. Do not take it personally if you find yourself becoming one of those people. Just get over it. You and I both know that if I decide to ditch a friendship, then that means that you probably just haven't been a good friend to me and if I were you I would take a careful look at all my friendships and see if I was doing the same to anyone else. I am tired of being used and I am not putting up with anything anymore. As harsh as it all sounds its truly what everyone should be doing. We shouldnt have to settle for anything. I am not promoting self absorption but you need to do and say things that make you happy. If more people stopped people pleasing and started concentrating on their lives I think that our highly depressed and medicated society would work a bit better. You have to put yourself before others first because no one can fully love you and you can not fully love someone unless you fully love yourself first.

Just my thoughts. Id love to hear your thinking on all of it. Im not interested in arguing any of this its just my opinion so don't take offense to any of it. Its just the way I see my life and my world.

-Kim

** Go be crazy. You only live Once**